


Mind is a Prison

by happyxwalsh



Series: Book Series [5]
Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Anxiety, Character Study, Depression, Flashbacks, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Season 3 onwards, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempts, Survivor’s Guilt, Therapy, Trauma, hurt/ comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22837282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happyxwalsh/pseuds/happyxwalsh
Summary: my mind is a prison and i’m never gonna get out- - - -Character study of Connor after Wes’ death and onwards.
Relationships: Asher Millstone & Connor Walsh, Connor Walsh & Annalise Keating, Connor Walsh & Michaela Pratt, Connor Walsh/ Oliver Hampton, Connor Walsh/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Book Series [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1057694
Kudos: 19





	1. Numb

**Author's Note:**

> Fic inspired by song ‘Mind is a Prison’ by Alec Benjamin

Kneeling over Wes’ body, Connor tries not to lose what’s left of his sanity and desperately figure out what he can do to help, but he can’t. 

He’s frozen, paralysed with the fear of screwing up again. All he can do is take his shaking hands and press down on Wes’ chest. And with each compression, the force becomes more frantic as Wes fails to breathe, until the younger man hears a crack beneath his hands. 

Connor falls back at the sound, fixated on what he had done. His entire body goes numb. 

As he’s collecting up his thoughts, attempting to make any sort of sense of everything, an intense smell of gas fills the air. The law student’s head does a sudden turn to see Annalise’s gas line cut. 

Deep down, Connor knows he doesn’t have a choice; if he doesn’t leave, he’ll die. Ironically, the second he runs out the house and feels the heat of the flames reach out behind him he wishes he could go back, but he keeps running. 

Connor continues to run until he finds a crowded bar, and locks himself in a the nearest bathroom stall. 

Hopelessly, his eyes remain locked on the white, tiled floor, unable to shake the image of Wes’ body from his head. And Connor remains in that stall absolutely afraid to face the consequences of what he’s done. 

Muffled talking comes from the main area of the bar, Connor can hear someone say that Laurel was in the house too. 

He needs to make sure that she’s okay- that he didn’t leave anyone else to die. 


	2. “Why don’t you hate me?”

He thinks back to the moment he first saw Oliver again, as he stands still in Michaela’s apartment with the older man gently tending to his bleeding wound. Connor vividly remembers breathlessly making out Oli’s name and allowing himself to be held by him because, even though he’s spent the last week being angry at Oliver, Connor can’t help himself being so relieved to see him. 

It happens every single time bad things occur and Connor needs the older man. Over the past couple months, the law student has been trying to go back to not needing anyone just like he did when he was a kid. 

Not trusting anyone had it’s perks. It may of occasionally lead him to being lonely, but at least it prevented people from hurting him. Unfortunately however,  it never stopped him from hurting others; Sam, Oliver, Wes.  Connor always aspired to be good though, despite all of the bad- and there has been a lot it.

No one can really run from who they are, and Connor knows that. A part of him accepted a long time ago that he’s a damaged monster.  Most of his life, the younger man has hoped to avoid being chained to the things that have broke him but it’s so much harder to break free of those things when they are far too strong for him to possibly let them go. 

In a sick and twisted way, the agony he goes through acts as a lifeline that proves to him that he’s still a little bit human. Unlike this very moment where Connor’s entirety is hollow and heavy- there’s barely any humanity of him holding on, which is ironic considering Connor has never been great at letting things be,  especially when it came to Oliver. 

He was the only thing that kept him above water, when everything felt like it was dragging him down by the ankles. The security that came with Oliver comforted him, and once he lost the safe place and love he had spent so long craving it made him sink to the seabed.

Even though he’s reached rock bottom, Connor often wonders if he is able to descend any further into the darkness. His stomach will twist up at the thought. If things get any worse, he’s not sure what he’d do. He lost Oliver, Asher hates him- which the younger man doesn’t argue against. Connor hates himself too. 

Often at times, he’ll observe his intense self-destructive behaviour in bewilderment. The law student cannot figure out why he is the way he is. All he’s ever known is the affliction that lurks behind every decision he has made. 

And Connor has tried, he’s tried to move on but it is impossible to forget that he’s a horrible person, someone who is incredibly undeserving of somebody as caring as Oliver. His ex has always looked after him, not that he’s worthy of it though. 

Despite everything, Oliver is still standing in front of Connor and fixing him up. 

“Why don’t you hate me?” The older man glances towards Connor’s haunted eyes, “all I do is hurt people, especially  you.  I slept with Thomas, I cheated on-“

“Hey,” his soft tone, interrupts his ex’s spiral and sinks Connor into himself, “I could never, ever hate you.” 

“Why not? I’m pretty easy to hate.”

“Not to me. Yes, you have done some pretty questionable things but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love,” Oliver puts down the bloodied tissue and straightens his posture, before cautiously looking at Connor and pulling him into a close embrace and wrapping his arms tighter and tighter around his body, terrified that Connor may disappear if he lets go. The older man makes sure to take in the every single detail of this moment, not missing anything out, for they may not get tomorrow. 

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter will be longer <3


End file.
